a letter to logan

I feel devoid of any intimate connections with others. No matter how many friends or family I make and spend time with I always feel alone and empty, and it's amplified when I return home to an empty room. I feel like I've done some cosmic wrong to warrant always being in the background of everyone's lives, like a mistake. I can't stare into my reflection for very long before I start to cry, I only have myself on an intimate level and I hate him. I want what everyone else has.

dear logan,

your pain makes me uncomfortable. it upsets me that I feel somewhat compelled to be an optimistic and encouraging person. yet, I can't. I shouldn't. I know this approach would do more damage than good. in cases like ours, positivity and attempts at problem-solving can only provoke more sorrow. because I see your pain and take the complexity of it seriously, I know that such words would have little to no positive effect.

however, if I must tell you something, let it be that we are all tragically lonesome. this project is a factual witness: we are not alone in our loneliness.

a letter to -

I feel like a majority of my connections aren't permanent, leading me to believe that I'm not lovable, or that I don't deserve love. I'm learning that love comes from within, that true love shouldn't be reliant on external factors, so long as I'm confident with myself I should be good, I hope.

dear -,

while I do not personally know you, my guess is that you are deserving of love. (if you happen to be a psychopath, murderer, or any other type of severe wrongdoer, please disregard that statement.)

with that said, I wonder if you are ahead of me on the path toward understanding love. from where I currently am, I am not capable of seeing anything wrong with craving love, with needing some reassurance that you matter. as susan sarandon put it in the movie shall we dance:

we need a witness to our lives. there are 8 billion people on the planet … I mean, what does any one life really mean? but in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything — the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things … all of it, all the time, every day. you're saying, ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.'

although the character is answering a question that focuses on the reason why humans marry, I believe it speaks to our intrinsic need for connection. given how natural and visceral this demand is, I refuse to punish or gaslight myself into thinking I need to be enough for myself at all times. I crave a witness, I crave to witness, and I truly hope you will find those who will want to do and be the same for you.

a letter to jason

I'm in the last semester of my senior year and I've only ever made one friend here. We were friends twice and each time ended badly. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over a year. Two days ago, she showed up as a new hire at my job. I nearly had a panic attack. She scares me so much even though I know she didn't mean to hurt me. To be honest, I doubt our friendship ever mattered as much to her as it did to me. But she was the only friend I had here and since then I've been so lonely. Having to work together makes the isolation feel worse. A part of me wants to run away so that I don't have to be reminded about how much she hurt me. Another part wants to find out if we could be friends again. The former is far louder than the other and I've always preferred cowardice. Seeing her has forced me to face the fact that I let one bad friendship ruin the chance to build more.

dear jason,

above anything else, I must be honest with you. I have read your confession repeatedly since last night, trying to see it any other way. yet, I have failed every time so I need to ask you: were you ever in love with your friend?

please forgive me if this is a gross misinterpretation or if I'm overstepping. I ask you because your story sounds incredibly familiar to me. I am aware that I am most likely projecting, and that if you were in love, you may not necessarily know it. however, if I am correct in my theory, I hope you will reach out again so we can speak of the matter more freely and with more clarity. I wish you the best of luck with your heart.