a letter to -

I feel like a majority of my connections aren't permanent, leading me to believe that I'm not lovable, or that I don't deserve love. I'm learning that love comes from within, that true love shouldn't be reliant on external factors, so long as I'm confident with myself I should be good, I hope.

dear -,

while I do not personally know you, my guess is that you are deserving of love. (if you happen to be a psychopath, murderer, or any other type of severe wrongdoer, please disregard that statement.)

with that said, I wonder if you are ahead of me on the path toward understanding love. from where I currently am, I am not capable of seeing anything wrong with craving love, with needing some reassurance that you matter. as susan sarandon put it in the movie shall we dance:

we need a witness to our lives. there are 8 billion people on the planet … I mean, what does any one life really mean? but in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything — the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things … all of it, all the time, every day. you're saying, ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.'

although the character is answering a question that focuses on the reason why humans marry, I believe it speaks to our intrinsic need for connection. given how natural and visceral this demand is, I refuse to punish or gaslight myself into thinking I need to be enough for myself at all times. I crave a witness, I crave to witness, and I truly hope you will find those who will want to do and be the same for you.