a letter to carlos

Today's like a weird, not-awful loneliness. I moved to Indianapolis nine months ago from southern Indiana. I graduated with an associate's degree in one year after high school and moved up here to work full-time. It's feels like I was only able to take a few steps into my college years, barely able to enjoy or find myself in that time, only to be yanked out into a new place all by myself. Some days are good, like last week when my brother visited out of the blue. Some days are lonely, like today when I decided to walk around downtown and I found this place (the IU arts center) for the first time. Some days are really, really lonely. Like not leave my apartment even for work lonely. Tell the boss I'm going through something and not responding to my family lonely. Soon, my old college roommate will be moving in with me to help me afford rent and to give him an opportunity like I've received. I wonder whether or not I'll lose more of myself having to divide up a space that just started to become mine. My only place of my own will be my cubicle at my office job. I don't want to be this kind of person. I want to have light inside me and be talkative and show love to people I care about. Not shy and anxious like I've become over the last two years. Usually I feel loneliest when I get ready for bed, but I'm in an empty arts center at night and I'm starting to feel really lonely. I'd put on my headphones and listen to music, but hypervigilence tells me that's a horrible idea. Maybe I'm shy or maybe I'm terrified of other people. Not in some obnoxious existential way, but in a very literal "fuck, I might get stabbed or embarrass myself" kind of way. It's weird. Never used to be like this. I hope you aren't going through something similar. I hope you can see the grace in this town and not just feel crushed by it like sometimes I do. My phone's about to die, so I'm headed back to my car. It's a long walk.

dear carlos,

the loneliness you described makes me think of termites. it sounds like the kind that eats you away so slowly that it barely tickles so you will only realize the damage caused when it's already too late.

too many of us are losing ourselves to a world that no longer knows how to feed our hearts. I worry about our generation and those that will follow. I worry about what it means to be human in a time when our social nature is torn apart and replaced by emptiness. do you fear the same?

on a different note, I wanted to ask if you are a writer or have considered giving it a go. I think you did an impressive job at painting a picture of what life has been like for you lately. I have never been to Indianapolis, but you evoked places, smells, and sounds somehow, so thank you for that experience. I hope future days will treat you with sunshine, pleasant wind, and the best cup of a warm drink of your choice.