a letter to matthias

I have not the courage to exist authentically, And therefore my friends know a false reality, My family knows not my pain, struggles, or strife, My lover knows not that I know not if I love her or not, I share not my agony, save for writing to myself, Or into this electronic void, questioning, Whether any exist to read on the other side, For vulnerability is a weakness I’m not keen to exploit, My shrunken numbed heart remains chained, Sealed in an inflexible welded steel box, Constricting its rhythmic beating, A box forged by my own hands, As defense, From the cruelty of those who’d attempted To viciously rend it from my breast Now I lack the feelings Which used to overflow The love which once I shared, The joy that I once exuded, The general zeal for life, And the feeing of being included Replacing those now is a slew of words on paper, Staring at my own face reflected in the mirror, An utter lack of hope and beauty, I drink from a glass of ether, Torture; the truest teacher

dear matthias,

your despair does not go unnoticed. it also does not stun me as so many of us undergo similar thought patterns. you are not alone.

personally, and possibly due to my idealistic inclinations, I believe joy and love are inseparable. here, I do not reference only romantic love but love as the adventure of offering yourself entirely to those around you and to the activities you value.

while I understand how scary it is to be vulnerable, I wish you the resilience to overcome this obstacle. as someone who has been maybe too open to everything that came my way, I cannot lie to you and say that it does not come with pain. I have been stabbed in the back, and sometimes shamelessly in the front, more times than I can count. still, I suppose that my softness is my greatest gift as it is responsible for the happiest moments and decisions of my life.

recently, I started reading bell hooks's book titled all about love. my friend anna gave it to me as a wedding present over a year ago but I only felt ready to face it last month. this book compiles essays discussing the various elements necessary to truly experience love in its purest form. I do not know if you are open or ready for this encounter, but I recommend it and I hope it can help you find the joy and love you deserve soon.