a letter to mel

I am less than two months of being back together with my husband. After basically being apart an entire year now, the feeling that’s stuck around has been loneliness. In a new city and state it takes a lot of time and energy to go out and meet people, making friends feels more difficult the older I get. I am now somehow nervous for him to finally come home. The little voice in my head worries it will be hard to fall back in place or I’m nervous to see how it will all feel, although rationally I know it’s all false. But I am deeply excited and my hearts impatient. A year apart from your love is so lonely.

dear mel,

there is something tragically beautiful about waiting for someone for such a long period of time. while it may hurt knowing that the person you last saw will no longer exist when you meet again, the possibility for falling in love once again is often worth it.

i am curious about something: do you ever think about how easy it is to forget that growing older is a privilege?

i often do, especially as i romanticize the process of making friends as a child or young adult. i long for the supposed instant connection between two humans that share an interest or desire. the stakes for relationships seemed to be much lower and yet i was just as lonely then as i am now, if not more.

this makes me wonder if it was easier to make friends when we were young or if we were just better at forgiving. what do you think?