a letter to rimo

i can’t decide if i am better off alone, or if that is what i convince myself of because i am lonely. i can’t seem to maintain friend groups, friendships, or relationships. i used to say that i had been dropped many times by past friends, but really after reflecting i have found that i am always the one to leave. i get bored, or i feel disconnected, and i can’t stay. i am okay alone, but sometimes i long for a really good connection, or a friend group to share memories with. it is a paradoxical cycle.

dear rimo,

I wonder if you are familiar with charlotte brontë's quote "the trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely." your confession made me think of it but I apologize if the comparison brings you sadness or a god complex.

nonetheless, and despite my urge not to, I relate to you. more often than not I disconnect myself from others whenever I feel them pulling away. while this feeling is a lot less accurate than I believe it to be at the moment, the fear of rejection drives me into insecurity and anger. thus, I leave before I can be left.

rimo, were you in any way abandoned as a child? I was and I think that may have a lot to do with this hole I feel in my chest. I live my days in fear that it will happen again and again. deep down, I know I choose loneliness so it can never be inflected upon me again. tell me: is it the same for you?