a letter to unwanted

I am married to a man who doesn't seem to love me anymore. I have three kids who are getting to ages when they tend to express their disappointment in every possible thing they can. My dog was diagnosed with an incurable disease yesterday. My mom is a narcissist who spent her free time calling me names and pointing out my shortcomings behind closed doors but then she had a brain injury a decade ago. She is still not nice, but she gets to forget about all of the nasty things she has done to me over the years. I don't. My extended family on her side doesn't want me. She spent so many years telling them all sorts of things that aren't true. I don't know the "me" they know, but it isn't a good one. My grandma on that side is dying. Like right now, got a call this morning. And I want to see her, but it's been a decade or more. She is 6 hours away. The last time I saw her was when I surprised her by visiting with my fiancé (at the time) the same time my mom was visiting (so I knew my family was all free and not busy). My grandma was annoyed and frustrated even though we had already made arrangements for all of our food and sleeping arrangements elsewhere. She said we were just going to take up space and eat her food that she couldn't afford to replace. We didn't do either of those things, and we left the next morning. I was devastated. She never tried to contact me again. She was my favorite person in the world growing up. I still remember the way it feels to be hugged by her. And I will never know why she stopped liking me. I have no friends. I run a small business out of my home so I have no workmates. I'm in my late-30's but decided to go back to college. So I'm surrounded by kids who are nearly half my age. I love watching them bloom and grow, but I am still alone. I am alone in a room with a hundred people and I'm alone in my household of 5. I'm alone even from myself. I don't know who I am.

dear unwanted,

I have been staring at my laptop screen for days, trying to come up with something clever or powerful to say that could make it even the tiniest bit better. I also thought of going for a funny approach but that seems disrespectful considering the immense pain you are so clearly going through.

although much of your suffering comes from issues that are out of your hands, I do believe that you are doing wonders with the bad hand you were dealt. I am excited for you to be back in college and I hope it serves as something to get your mind off the difficult things that are going on in your life.

I really do hope that by the time you see this, things will be different for the better. if they are not, I will be here. take care, okay?